Still so confused.

It's been nearly a month and this is still so unbelievably hard. I still don't understand how he could stop caring literally overnight. Why did he feel the need to throw it out, to throw me out? It hurts so much that he's probably fine and relieved that I'm out of his life.

But of course I don't know any of this. I don't know anything since he blocked me all over the internet a few weeks ago after I emailed him asking if he wanted any of his stuff back and if he had anything that belonged to me. The last time we talked on the phone (the day after he dumped me), he claimed that he wasn't planning on dating anyone else and that he needed time to himself before we started talking again. But blocking me from contacting him (not that I would want to) seems like a pretty big "fuck you, I'm going to pretend like you don't exist.". Really, why don't I even deserve a straight answer as of what the hell is going on?

I need to move on and start dating other people. I'm going to assume that the way he handled the break up and treated me afterward means that he doesn't care if I fall off the face of the earth. If that isn't what he meant to convey, I know he'll only tell all of his friends and family that I'm a dirty slut who started dating people when he only needed his space, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to be pathetic and hung up on him when he starts dating other girls.

My dad thinks he snapped from stress. I'm starting to think that's the case as it explains the extreme decision made suddenly. Why else would you cut the person who has been your biggest supporter and best friend out of your life? Why else would he want to forget about me like that? He came out to lunch with me and my family the day before. He was talking to me about our future the day before. He ate my food, waited for Law and Order to be over, and even tried to crack a few jokes while dumping me. I don't know if it'll seem anything besides surreal.

The lack of answers has made this so much harder than it needed to be.

I hate sleeping.

Right after I met my ex-boyfriend for the first time, I had a dream that he was no longer interested me. For some reason I was totally devastated in this dream even though I barely knew him. I woke up being really confused why that was the case.

Now I've been having nightmares about him every night. I dread having to go to sleep tonight because I know I'll just wake up crying throughout the night, only to slip back in another nightmare. Instead of feeling refreshed, I wake up the next morning feeling distressed and heartbroken. I feel much worse in these dreams than I feel when I'm awake. I wish there was a way for me to get him out of my dreams or stop dreaming completely. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this without totally losing my mind.

Black eyeliner, skinny boys, and sad sad music.

I have to be honest; the last few days have not been good ones. When this happens, it's hard for me to even get through each hour, much less think about the next few days. Usually when aspects of my life get rough I'm able to sort of joke about it, especially with my friends and when writing a public blog. When I can do this, I feel that making people laugh is kind of a way to make up for the "bitch bitch bitch" content of what I'm saying or writing; without some funniness, it just becomes too big of a drag. Unfortunately when I get extremely upset or overwhelmed, I struggle to see any funniness in anything and then I tend to "hole up" completely. I'm trying to do my best not to do that right now and I'm posting even though this may be the most boring and/or emo blog entry put up on Blogger today.

I'm pretty sure I won't be able to leave on Tuesday. I just have too much to do with moving out of my apartment and taking care of school. The fact that I've been moving in slow-motion the past few days isn't really helping me get things done. Fortunately I haven't booked my ticket yet since I've been waiting to see if STA Travel will drop their prices even more. Ugh, I just need to get out of here.

Yawn. Six days.

I just woke up from a two hour nap and now I'm extremely groggy. I was up half of last with night food poisoning...shout out to Dominos Pizza. Today has been hard and my days will continue to be hard as the reality of what happened continues to set in. (Not the food poisoning, the break up.) I still have so many questions about why this happened, but I'm going to have to accept the fact that they probably won't be answered. I'm already confused all of the time, but this just made everything worse.

The Spanish surprise.

I leave in nine days and I have so much to do. My parents are not thrilled about the fact that I've been taking the break up so hard; they don't think I should let it affect my life to the extent that it has. They're probably right about that, too. My mom had a little chat with me over how I've been handling this; like most of our little chats, she tried to overdose me on constructive criticism. I understand she means well and usually I'm a big fan of constructive criticism (as long as the "constructive" is attached, of course), but she doesn't exactly have an abundance of tact in these kinds of situations. She still doesn't quite understand why I don't immediately feel better when she tells me that practically everyone else can suck it up and kick ass right away in hard situations, including herself and my dad. In addition, I somehow ended up agreeing to move home for awhile. How is this going to help me? It's not. I guess I just gave up on trying to defend myself. Maybe one of the reasons I've decided to do the Camino is to convince myself that I haven't been rendered completely pathetic by this situation. If I do this, then I must have a shred of independence left in me even though it has been ridiculously hard to find lately.

Oh, and the beauty of this situation is that I haven't told my parents about Spain yet. Something tells me that they're not going to be too tickled or willing to throw me a farewell party, so I'm holding off until my plans are more solid. Stay tuned for what I expect will be the equivalent of a nuclear bomb going off in my house. I hear nuclear fallout is totally underrated.

Q/A

Are you doing this for religious reasons?

No. I'm doing this because I have a lot of personal issues that I need to work on at the moment. Think of it as doing yoga every hour of every day for a few weeks straight. With each step, I can tell myself that I'm a wonderful human being who can accomplish anything and who is worthy of good things in life. (Or something else cheesy like that.)

You know you can't just run away from your problems, right?

Totally. That's why I'm planning on coming home afterward. I'm taking a much needed mental holiday to proactively prevent myself from having a huge breakdown from what has happened recently.

Don't you think your expectations are a little high?

Maybe. I'm going into this not knowing what to expect. I'm willing to accept the fact that all I may get out of this experience is better fitness and an extended stroll through a beautiful environment. Honestly, that would be enough for me. At the same time, if I manage to soothe my anxiety, feel better about myself, become more independent, or understand string theory, that's great too.

Why won't you post a picture of tell us your name?

I already feel a little exposed making this a public blog, even though I probably know everyone who reads it. The internet is a creepy place where things can wait around forever to backfire on your ass when you least expect it. Or at least that's what the internet tells me.

Are you insane?

Probably. But I'm learning to be okay with it.

Feel free to comment with any questions you may have. I'll answer them if they're good or just flat out ridiculous.

So…I'm going to Spain.

To help me recover and grow as an individual, I have decided to embark upon a pilgrimage across northern Spain. I know it sounds like a load of new-age-mysticism-self-improvement bullshit and it's probably shocking to hear it from a skeptic like me (I've been called a "Negative Nancy" and a "hard ass" more than a few times in my life). But here's a chance for me to physically and mentally push myself while taking the time to look at my life from a different perspective. I'm going to do everything I can to feel good about accomplishing this in the hopes that maybe I can learn to transfer these feelings to other areas of my life. Seriously, being a cynic with low self-esteem is such a drag.

This trip is technically a religious pilgrimage called El Camino de Santiago de Compostela. There are many routes to Santiago de Compostela, but I'll be walking El Camino Frances, which is the most popular route. As it's my first time and I'm going alone with limited Spanish skills, this will be a good fit for me since I'll be on a well-established route in proximity to other pilgrims. I'm choosing to start in Roncesvalles instead of Saint-Jean-Pied-de-Port since the walk from Saint-Jean to Roncesvalles is by far the most strenuous part of the journey and I don't think I'm in good enough shape to handle that on Day 1. Dropping dead on my first day would kind of defeat the purpose.

I have two friends who did the pilgrimage last spring and they had an amazing time. One of them even did a few presentations and her senior thesis on her experience, which is probably what influenced me to do this. Everyone has a reason for doing it, whether it's for religious purposes, to raise money for a charity, to grieve a loss, to go on an awesome adventure, or to take time off from the stresses of every day life. With each step, I hope to become more proud of who I am and believe in myself more. I realize that I'm often my own worst enemy and that I need to stop holding myself back.

October is really the last month to walk before the weather starts getting unbearable for wussies like me, so I need to plan this and get out of here ASAP. I already have a backpack and a few other supplies and I've been breaking in my new boots. I think I've found a good plane ticket, but I still want to ask my friends a few more questions and figure out my work situation before I book it. I've already put together a packing list and I am now officially part of the REI co-op. The ticket is for September 29, so I have 13 days from today. Yikes.

Usually I ask for advice on whether I'm doing something insane or impulsive, but the whole point of this trip is to look inward and come up with the answers myself. I need to trust my own judgement and give it more credit. Basically, no matter what you say or think, I'm going to do it anyway.

Hello change, not-so-nice to meet you.

Once upon a time when I was a young and spry eighteen-year-old, I met my best friend and the love of my life. We did everything together and we never failed to make each other laugh. We supported each other through times of stress, intense change, and sadness. We spent a year studying abroad and traveling around Europe budget-style, we graduated together, and I stood behind him during his first year of graduate school. I trusted him more than I was ever able to trust anyone before and we planned to spend the rest of our lives with each other. I felt safe with him.

Exactly 4.5 years later, he decided that it would be best to end our relationship. I did not see it coming, as he had been promising me that he was in it for the long haul up until the day before. It was the biggest shock of my life. I still can't believe what happened and it's going to take a long time for me to recover. Without going into detail, I'm floored that someone could end up being so selfish and cold-hearted. He was the last person on earth I could see doing something like this -- apparently, 4.5 years isn't enough to get to know a person's true nature.

When you spend a that much time with a person, you end up giving up a part of yourself to put into the relationship. It's not necessarily a bad thing, as this sacrifice allows an intense bond to grow between two people that ultimately strengthens both individuals. It's great while it lasts, but Jesus...it's unbelievably horrible when it ends, especially when you don't see it coming. Due to the shock of this, I feel like I need to reevaluate everything in my life, including myself. Who the hell am I? How did I get here? Can I do this on my own? I'm already so hypervigilant and suspicious...how will I learn to trust anyone again?

What is it going to take for me to get better after having the rug pulled out from under my feet?