Black eyeliner, skinny boys, and sad sad music.

I have to be honest; the last few days have not been good ones. When this happens, it's hard for me to even get through each hour, much less think about the next few days. Usually when aspects of my life get rough I'm able to sort of joke about it, especially with my friends and when writing a public blog. When I can do this, I feel that making people laugh is kind of a way to make up for the "bitch bitch bitch" content of what I'm saying or writing; without some funniness, it just becomes too big of a drag. Unfortunately when I get extremely upset or overwhelmed, I struggle to see any funniness in anything and then I tend to "hole up" completely. I'm trying to do my best not to do that right now and I'm posting even though this may be the most boring and/or emo blog entry put up on Blogger today.

I'm pretty sure I won't be able to leave on Tuesday. I just have too much to do with moving out of my apartment and taking care of school. The fact that I've been moving in slow-motion the past few days isn't really helping me get things done. Fortunately I haven't booked my ticket yet since I've been waiting to see if STA Travel will drop their prices even more. Ugh, I just need to get out of here.

I'm leaving a week from tomorrow? Um, holy crap.

As of tomorrow, I will have a week until I leave. I feel like my list of things to do ahead of time keeps growing longer. It doesn't help that I have to move back home in that time, too. Whenever I move, I always vow to stop accumulating so much crap (meaning I haven't gotten around to keeping that vow yet). Maybe being forced to carry everything on my back for six weeks will take care of that for me. I can't lie; I'm getting nervous about doing this. I can't help but wonder if it's a completely idiotic idea to do something of this magnitude so spur-of-the-moment.

Today I had to quit my job. Even though I make a whopping ten cents more than minimum wage per hour, it pained me to do so since it took me awhile to even find this job. While I'm doing the self-improvement thing in Spain, I expect all of you to do the self-improvement thing here by fixing the economy. Any spare time left over can be used to start on health care.

Currently I'm trying to figure out how to upload an occasional picture from an internet cafe while I'm on the road. Do any of you non-dinosaurs know if it's even possible? A picture is worth a thousand words; a beat-to-death cliche is worth a thousand punches in the face.

So…I'm going to Spain.

To help me recover and grow as an individual, I have decided to embark upon a pilgrimage across northern Spain. I know it sounds like a load of new-age-mysticism-self-improvement bullshit and it's probably shocking to hear it from a skeptic like me (I've been called a "Negative Nancy" and a "hard ass" more than a few times in my life). But here's a chance for me to physically and mentally push myself while taking the time to look at my life from a different perspective. I'm going to do everything I can to feel good about accomplishing this in the hopes that maybe I can learn to transfer these feelings to other areas of my life. Seriously, being a cynic with low self-esteem is such a drag.

This trip is technically a religious pilgrimage called El Camino de Santiago de Compostela. There are many routes to Santiago de Compostela, but I'll be walking El Camino Frances, which is the most popular route. As it's my first time and I'm going alone with limited Spanish skills, this will be a good fit for me since I'll be on a well-established route in proximity to other pilgrims. I'm choosing to start in Roncesvalles instead of Saint-Jean-Pied-de-Port since the walk from Saint-Jean to Roncesvalles is by far the most strenuous part of the journey and I don't think I'm in good enough shape to handle that on Day 1. Dropping dead on my first day would kind of defeat the purpose.

I have two friends who did the pilgrimage last spring and they had an amazing time. One of them even did a few presentations and her senior thesis on her experience, which is probably what influenced me to do this. Everyone has a reason for doing it, whether it's for religious purposes, to raise money for a charity, to grieve a loss, to go on an awesome adventure, or to take time off from the stresses of every day life. With each step, I hope to become more proud of who I am and believe in myself more. I realize that I'm often my own worst enemy and that I need to stop holding myself back.

October is really the last month to walk before the weather starts getting unbearable for wussies like me, so I need to plan this and get out of here ASAP. I already have a backpack and a few other supplies and I've been breaking in my new boots. I think I've found a good plane ticket, but I still want to ask my friends a few more questions and figure out my work situation before I book it. I've already put together a packing list and I am now officially part of the REI co-op. The ticket is for September 29, so I have 13 days from today. Yikes.

Usually I ask for advice on whether I'm doing something insane or impulsive, but the whole point of this trip is to look inward and come up with the answers myself. I need to trust my own judgement and give it more credit. Basically, no matter what you say or think, I'm going to do it anyway.