Backstreet's back, alright!

So yes, it's been awhile. My Eurotrip never materialized and it's because I got promoted at work. I'm still in a position lower than I ever expected to be working (thanks to the stupid Baby Boomers' "with a college degree you can do anything!" rhetorical bullshit of the nineties -- yeah, because History/English/Philosophy/other LibArts majors are really THAT special), but I'm hoping a few more months of ass kissing and acting manically enthusiastic will reward me with another promotion. Apparently the much feared boss-lady who controls our lives has taken a liking to me and has rewarded me with a great opportunity. I'm still wondering how I pulled that one off but let's just say I have no complaints. So maybe when my tentative career plans stall out or when I characteristically sabotage myself I'll go walk across Spain.

In other news, I went on a date yesterday. That's right, "whaaa...?" He's a German, complete with an Anglicized name now only found in the Germanic regions of continental Europe. It allowed me to exercise my impressive knowledge of sophisticated German phrases, such as "Wo ist die Toilette?," "Eine Hefeweissen, bitte," and "Ich habe eine Partei gemacht." (Obviously, my semester in Germany really paid off.) But anyway, I think rushing into another relationship this soon would be a huge fiasco so I'm just planning on seeing people in the most unslutty and boring way imaginable. I still want to punch my ex in the face most of the time but working and trying to move on kind of distract me from my pseudo-violent fantasies.

I was so stupid for giving someone the power to do this to me. Never again will I allow myself to be vulnerable to a person, whether people refer to it as "trust" or "opening up" or any other name. And the sad thing is, this didn't happen because I am a poor judge of character; it happened because when life gets very hard, people won't hesitate to crush those they care about if it's convenient for them.

Anyway, I truly learned my lesson.

Still so confused.

It's been nearly a month and this is still so unbelievably hard. I still don't understand how he could stop caring literally overnight. Why did he feel the need to throw it out, to throw me out? It hurts so much that he's probably fine and relieved that I'm out of his life.

But of course I don't know any of this. I don't know anything since he blocked me all over the internet a few weeks ago after I emailed him asking if he wanted any of his stuff back and if he had anything that belonged to me. The last time we talked on the phone (the day after he dumped me), he claimed that he wasn't planning on dating anyone else and that he needed time to himself before we started talking again. But blocking me from contacting him (not that I would want to) seems like a pretty big "fuck you, I'm going to pretend like you don't exist.". Really, why don't I even deserve a straight answer as of what the hell is going on?

I need to move on and start dating other people. I'm going to assume that the way he handled the break up and treated me afterward means that he doesn't care if I fall off the face of the earth. If that isn't what he meant to convey, I know he'll only tell all of his friends and family that I'm a dirty slut who started dating people when he only needed his space, but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to be pathetic and hung up on him when he starts dating other girls.

My dad thinks he snapped from stress. I'm starting to think that's the case as it explains the extreme decision made suddenly. Why else would you cut the person who has been your biggest supporter and best friend out of your life? Why else would he want to forget about me like that? He came out to lunch with me and my family the day before. He was talking to me about our future the day before. He ate my food, waited for Law and Order to be over, and even tried to crack a few jokes while dumping me. I don't know if it'll seem anything besides surreal.

The lack of answers has made this so much harder than it needed to be.

I hate sleeping.

Right after I met my ex-boyfriend for the first time, I had a dream that he was no longer interested me. For some reason I was totally devastated in this dream even though I barely knew him. I woke up being really confused why that was the case.

Now I've been having nightmares about him every night. I dread having to go to sleep tonight because I know I'll just wake up crying throughout the night, only to slip back in another nightmare. Instead of feeling refreshed, I wake up the next morning feeling distressed and heartbroken. I feel much worse in these dreams than I feel when I'm awake. I wish there was a way for me to get him out of my dreams or stop dreaming completely. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this without totally losing my mind.

Reasons why my mom says I can't go on the pilgrimage:

1. I've already had enough fun in my life.
2. This is just running away from my problems.
3. I need to start acting like normal people do and handle hardship the way normal people manage it.
4. She hasn't been there yet.
5. Physically I can't do it.
6. Why can't I just walk around the neighborhood?
7. Why don't I just start going to church again?
8. I can't just spend all of my work money on something like this.
9. To her it sounds like I'm going to be "mourning" the whole time, which isn't healthy.

...awesome. FML

Black eyeliner, skinny boys, and sad sad music.

I have to be honest; the last few days have not been good ones. When this happens, it's hard for me to even get through each hour, much less think about the next few days. Usually when aspects of my life get rough I'm able to sort of joke about it, especially with my friends and when writing a public blog. When I can do this, I feel that making people laugh is kind of a way to make up for the "bitch bitch bitch" content of what I'm saying or writing; without some funniness, it just becomes too big of a drag. Unfortunately when I get extremely upset or overwhelmed, I struggle to see any funniness in anything and then I tend to "hole up" completely. I'm trying to do my best not to do that right now and I'm posting even though this may be the most boring and/or emo blog entry put up on Blogger today.

I'm pretty sure I won't be able to leave on Tuesday. I just have too much to do with moving out of my apartment and taking care of school. The fact that I've been moving in slow-motion the past few days isn't really helping me get things done. Fortunately I haven't booked my ticket yet since I've been waiting to see if STA Travel will drop their prices even more. Ugh, I just need to get out of here.

Yawn. Six days.

I just woke up from a two hour nap and now I'm extremely groggy. I was up half of last with night food poisoning...shout out to Dominos Pizza. Today has been hard and my days will continue to be hard as the reality of what happened continues to set in. (Not the food poisoning, the break up.) I still have so many questions about why this happened, but I'm going to have to accept the fact that they probably won't be answered. I'm already confused all of the time, but this just made everything worse.